Un-Chartered Territory for Husbands

-









WARNING: The following post is definitly not for everyone





There are two real problems that I see with Natural Family Planning, and particularly the Billings Method.

The first is quite simple. A couple spends all of their time charting about the wife. For instance, every night as I am drifting off into dreamland my wife has to abruptly wake me up and tell me to get the chart. I then have to reach way down to find the chart (our bed is up high) and pass it to her, along with a certain coloured sticker, before I can go back to sleep. From a guy's perspective this is what NFP is all about. "Get the chart." "Pass me this sticker." "This is who I am." Notice that it's always about her and her body. And what’s with the stickers? It’s like teaching kindergarten, really: “Oh look at you! Here’s a sticker!”

The second problem has to do with the stickers themselves. You see, the NFP booklets contain a variety of stickers that mean different things. There are yellow babies, white babies (how racist… no black babies), plain red, plain yellow, green babies, and so on and so forth. Long story short, we don't actually end up using all of the stickers. For instance, our plain green, green babies, and yellow babies never get used. This is a great waste of stickers. I thought about taking them to school and letting the kindergarten teachers use these stickers as incentives for correct assignments, but I think I have a better solution. My solution solves both problems, actually...


Charting for men! That's right. Charting for men! Here's an explanation:

I work out roughly every day. On odd days I lift weights. On even days I do what is called a "Has-fit" workout which is more cardio and legs based (squats, burpees, etc.). Occasionally on Fridays I take a break (lest the fasting make me too weak). Well, I think it's only right that my wife know how my body is doing. Think about it. At night I pull out her chart, hand her some stickers, and then put the chart away. Well, afterwards she could pull out, from her side of the bed, another chart for me. Then she'd ask:

"What sticker tonight?"

"Give me a plain green, please."

"Oh great, you had a good workout then!"

You see, I would use up all of those plain green, yellow babies, and green babies. A yellow baby would mean I was too much of a baby to work out that night, and so I deserve to be labelled a yellow baby. A green baby would mean that I worked out (green means go), but that it wasn't a very good one. I was there, you know, but not trying hard enough. Hence, I deserve a green baby. A plain green would mean that I had a great workout. If I had a pretty good workout, but not a great workout, then I'd put a plain green with some spots to say I was spotty at times. You know, I took a set or two off before regaining intensity. After I would put the sticker on my chart, I would then write with pencil: MHF - meaning: My "Has-Fit," or MFW - meaning: My Free Weights. My wife would then know exactly how my body is doing. We could chart my own physical progress. Why should it be all about the woman? As a bonus, we'd put to good use all of those stickers that never make it to her chart (for whatever reason... I'll never know).

There you have it. Charting for men. Problems solved.

Theology of the Body, baby.

*kiss bicep*
Editor's note: picture from https://the-boss-baby.fandom.com/wiki/Jimbo
Editor's note (2): This post originally appeared on our family blog, March 16, 2013.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Some Concerns with the Exodus 90 Program

-
Image
An update of my thoughts on Exodus 90 can be found HERE . Exodus 90 is underway for many Catholic men. It is an intense 90 day program based on prayer, asceticism, and fraternity. For 90 days these men will take cold showers, abstain from alcohol and most media, fast twice per week, give up snacks and desserts, along with various other spiritual tasks. I applaud such a penitential spirit. The inevitable…. HOWEVER… However, I do have two concerns about Exodus 90 which could use some explaining. 1: Sundays The Church already has a wise, if not perfect, system of fasting and feasting. Catholics are encouraged to do penance on Wednesdays and Fridays (some add in Saturdays as well). In addition, there are specific periods of penance (Lent, Advent, Ember Days). Feasting occurs on Sundays as well as on major Feast Days and Solemnities (e.g. the Assumption of Mary). There is a built in balance to life. My problem with Exodus 90 is that, from what I hear, Sundays and F
Read more

Why I Will Not Be Doing Exodus 90 Anytime Soon

-
Image
  There is always a certain amount of fear and trembling when I begin writing a piece on a somewhat unfamiliar subject. Perhaps all that will be demonstrated here is my ignorance and incompetence. To which I suppose my wife would reply: “You’d think you’d be used to that by now.” But I write this piece simply for the fact that Catholic trends, even good ones, need sober reflection and refinement. I  refer to the Exodus 90 program. [i] Earlier in 2020 – simpler times to be sure - I listened with interest to a podcast on Exodus 90. In it I heard that this program, which was founded in 2013, is an intense 90 day program based on prayer, asceticism, and fraternity. For 90 days men take cold showers, abstain from alcohol and most media, fast twice per week, give up snacks and desserts, meet weekly with a small group of participants, exercise regularly, all the while following a regimented prayer schedule. I applaud such a penitential spirit (though it seems that cold showers in the de
Read more

On Wimpy Catholicism and a Return to Manly Fasting

-
Image
The following is a talk I recently gave at a Catholic men's group: Let’s begin by examining the secular “wokeness” on fasting. Gone are the days of weight loss programs like Weight Watchers… where you simply eat less each meal! Sounds simple, right? Fewer calories means you lose weight. The problem is that it never worked that well. The reduced number of calories per meal also reduced one’s energy as well, dipped into muscle storage, and offered frugal results. Science now shows that full out fasting is the perfect method for proper health. The secular world’s latest trend is intermittent fasting . One builds up how long a person can go in between meals. The ideal is to eat one meal a day. The meal could consist of almost your regular day’s intake (say 75%). What happens is that your body, when full out fasting, actually dips into fat storage for energy. You maintain your energy, lose weight, and it’s perfectly healthy, if not natural. Science shows that intermittent
Read more

My First SSPX Mass

-
Image
I do not write to stir up the SSPX/FSSP debate. Nor do I write to raise allegations and threats concerning being  in communion ,  schismatic , or  a   loyal son of the Church . I find doing so tiresome. If a person cannot recognize the Church is in a crisis; if a person thinks it spiritually superior to attend a polka Mass (they still exist, I assure you) over an SSPX Mass; if the mention of Archbishop Lefebvre angers a person more than the deeds of  James Martin  or the writings of  Cardinal Fernandez ; heaven help this person. Lord knows I can’t. If one “gets” what I’m saying, read on. If not, I suggest  this book  instead. It happened this past summer. My wife and I were planning our usual family pilgrimage to the Canadian Rockies. Climbing mountains while carrying a kid or two, eating rehydrated chili and peanut butter wraps, all while living like dirtbags in a tent, is the closest experience to heaven I know. Moments to live for. All except for one minor detail. “So,” my wif
Read more

Free Printables for Disconnected: The Broken Path

-
Image
  “ This story came as a wonderful surprise—I was expecting a children's story (which I got), but the truths it touches on brought me to tears several times. The ending was special and beautiful.” - From a review of Disconnected: The Broken Path To purchase Disconnected: Canada: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1778052509 USA: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1778052509
Read more

The Fire of Hell is Unlike Anything Here on Earth

-
Image
  It is good occasionally to think of the fires of hell. Knowledge of the physical torments alone ought to convert us closer to Christ. I offer a brief selection from  St. Alphonsus Liguori's Preparation for Death: The Fire of Hell. The pain which most severely torments the senses of the damned arises from the fire of hell, which tortures the sense of touch. The vengeance on the flesh of the ungodly is fire and worms. Hence, in passing sentence, the Lord makes special mention of it. Depart from Me, you cursed, into everlasting fire. Even in this life, the pain of fire is the greatest of all torments; but according to St. Augustine, our fire, compared with the fire of hell, is but painted fire. St. Vincent Ferrer says, that in comparison with the fire of hell our fire is cold. The reason is, that the fire of this earth has been created for our use; but God has made the fire of hell purposely to torment the damned. As Tertullian remarks: "Fire which is made for the use of man i
Read more